What to Do If Your Baby Only Sleeps When Held
Why Babies Only Sleep When Held
Biology. Babies have a biological need for physical contact. Holding your baby regulates their nervous system, heart rate, and breathing. It’s also warm, and your scent, heartbeat, breath, and movement are familiar and comforting. So it makes sense that it’s easier for them to sleep in your arms.
Habit. It may look something like this: you feed baby, change their diaper, turn white noise on, draw the curtains, and lay them down. Baby starts crying, so you pick them back up, and if you bounce or rock long enough, they fall asleep. After awhile, the habit is so ingrained it feels impossible to break.
Discomfort. There may be something going on that makes it uncomfortable for your baby to lay flat (more on this below.)
Is It OK to Hold Your Baby While They Sleep?
It’s fine to hold your baby while they sleep, if it’s done safely, which is hard to do if they’ll only sleep on you. Sleep deprivation makes it difficult for parents to manage emotions, cope with stress, or even drive. And if you fall asleep while your baby is on you, there’s a greater risk to them of falling or asphyxiation.
Contact napping is just what it sounds like: when you hold your baby during a nap. This can be a sweet time for bonding. But again, if this is the only way your baby will nap, it can be be a bit overwhelming and overstimulating, especially if you don’t have a support system to help with household chores, meals, or childcare for older children.
If you’re happy to let your baby sleep on you, always follow safe sleep guidelines.
Is It Normal for Babies to Only Sleep When Held?
Many are quick to point out that our ancestors raised babies with close attachment. But attachment doesn’t mean sacrificing your health or mental well-being to get your baby to sleep. It’s hard to imagine an exhausted new mother in hunter-gatherer times being told by her grandmother, “If your baby only sleeps when you walk around with him, you’ll just have to do that all the time.” Instead, efforts would likely be made to find out why the baby needs such labor-intensive interventions to settle, and what could be done to fix that.
Yes, babies like to sleep when held, but if they can’t sleep any other way, there may be something else going on. Carrying them might distract them enough for them to sleep, but it could also be distracting you from what they’re actually trying to communicate to you. If we jump straight to whatever will make them be quiet and go to sleep the quickest, we may overlook what they really need.
How to Get Baby to Sleep In The Crib
There are ways to help your baby sleep outside of your arms (without the classic Boomer advice to “just let them cry it out”). Babies should be comforted and responded to. And you need sleep to be a good parent, just like your baby needs sleep to grow optimally. So, here are ways to help your baby sleep in their crib or bassinet:
1. Notice How You Feel About Tears
How do you feel about your baby crying? Do you feel the need to stop them as fast as possible? Tears are sometimes necessary for us to figure out what our babies need. But sometimes we feel better doing whatever we can to make them stop quickly, even if it’s not what they actually need.
I get it. Tears were hard for me too as a new mom. When my baby was colicky, I felt better somehow if I was up walking around with him rather than sitting down rocking him, even though it depleted me and he was fussy either way. It was even hard for me to stop holding him long enough to get the gas out of his tummy because I couldn’t bear to hear him cry, even though I knew it’d make him feel better.
2. Address Physical Concerns
Gas, burps, reflux, and food allergies can make it uncomfortable for babies to lay flat on their back, the safest sleep position for them to sleep. Burp them often, not just after feeds. Gently pump their legs to move gas through their system. Keep them upright for awhile after feeds to help stomach contents stay in the stomach. And pay attention for signs of food allergies. Cow milk protein is the most common allergy for babies, and it’s in many formulas and breastmilk if the mother consumes dairy. Check with your pediatrician if you think diet or reflux may be a culprit.
3. Swaddle Your Baby
(Only for newborns that aren’t rolling yet.) A lot of parents think their baby hates the swaddle. That’s usually not the case, but it can seem that way if the baby was already upset when they were put in the swaddle or if the swaddle doesn’t fit properly. A swaddle mimics the feeling in the womb of being safely contained, and can keep babies from waking themselves prematurely with the startle reflex. Find a swaddle that fits well, and give your baby time in it before giving up.
4. Use White Noise and Blackout Curtains
You’ve probably heard it a million times, but it’s worth mentioning. I recommend white noise that maintains constant sound, volume, and rhythm rather than waves, music, or nature sounds that come and go or change.
5. Watch Wake Windows and Sleep Cues
Keeping appropriate wake windows can help prevent your baby from being too tired or not tired enough for sleep. Both can make them fight being laid down awake, or make them wake more easily if you transition them when they’re already asleep.
Being overtired can cause elevated levels of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, to keep them alert. This makes it harder for babies to relax and fall asleep.
Being undertired can also cause sleep struggles because they’re just not ready to sleep yet. It can also cause frequent or premature wakes because they don’t have enough sleep pressure built up to keep them asleep.
If your baby is under 4 months, you’ll also want to watch for sleepy cues like red eyebrows, staring off into space, rubbing their eyes, fussing, and yawning. After the newborn phase, sleep cues can be very unreliable, but up to about 4 months, you can keep an eye out for these signs that your baby is ready for sleep.
6. Offer a Pacifier
(After milk supply and breastfeeding are well-established if you’re nursing.) A pacifier is by no means a cure-all to baby sleep troubles, and if used incorrectly, it can cause more sleep issues. I don’t want you to reinsert a pacifier over and over or put it in anytime your baby is a little fussy. But sucking does lower baby stress levels, heart rate, and blood pressure, and pacifiers can help when they aren’t due for a feed and need to sleep.
7. Give It Time
By "give it time” I don’t mean to wait it out and keep doing what you’re doing. I mean to give your baby a chance to learn a different way to sleep. This world is new to them, and they need a little time to figure things out.
Offering comfort while they’re in the crib or bassinet can sometimes be enough to help your baby get to sleep outside of your arms. Gentle settling techniques like shushing, patting, and rocking can all be implemented while your baby is laying in their own sleep space. If they get really worked up or don’t settle after a few minutes, hold them and try again when they’re more settled. Teaching them to fall asleep in their own sleep space will help to avoid that dreaded wake-upon-transfer, when they wake up right as you lay them down or shortly after.
8. Lay Baby Down Feet First
If you’re not ready to work on getting baby to fall asleep in their sleep space yet, you’ll want to work on your transfer when you lay them down. Put your baby down when they’re already asleep, put them down feet, then butt, back, and head last. This helps avoid triggering the startle reflex which can wake them up when you lay them down.
5. Warm the Sleep Space Up
If you put baby to sleep in your arms before you lay them down, use a heating pad to warm their sleep space up, and then remove it before you lay them down. It can be jarring for them to go from your warm arms down to a cold surface.
Summary
It’s natural for your baby to want to sleep on you. But it’s not normal for them to only sleep on you. There may be something else going on if that’s the case.
Address any physical concerns that could make it uncomfortable for your baby to lay on their back, like gas, burps, reflux, or food allergies.
Get clear about how you feel about tears. Are you ok with some crying as long as it helps you figure out what your baby needs, or do you just want the crying to stop?
Swaddling mimics the feeling of safety and containment in the womb. Use a swaddle that fits properly, and give it time before deciding they don’t like it.
Lay your baby down feet first, then butt, back, and head if they’re already asleep when you put them down.
Watch wake windows and sleep cues to make sure your baby isn’t overtired or undertired when you try to lay them down.
Use a pacifier if your baby isn’t due for a feed. Just don’t reinsert it over and over or put it in anytime they’re a bit fussy.
Give it time for a new sleep method to work. Offering comfort and settling your baby in their crib may be enough to help them fall asleep without being held. Feel free to hold them if they don’t settle within a few minutes and try again later.
